Susanna Krizo
  • Home
  • About
  • Articles
    • Table of Contents >
      • Equality
      • Life Unexplained
      • Justice
      • Contra CBMW
  • Genesis 3:16
  • Books
    • The Kaleidoscope: Genesis 3:16
    • The Evangelical Wife
    • The Final Wave: Dismantling Patriarchy Through Freeing Feminism
    • EQUALITY [a collection]
    • Recovering From Un-Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
    • Intelligent Submission & Other Ways of Feminine Wisdom
    • Essential Inequality & Social Justice in an Unjust World
    • Genesis 3: The Origin of Gender Roles
    • When Domas Die: The Return of Biblical Equality
    • Essays on Feminism, Theology and Justice
    • Why Love? A Dialogue
    • Sayings From the Deep: 31 Days of Meditation
    • The Rebellion and The Rise of the Queens
  • Blog
  • Contact

Egalitarian Engagement 

3/19/2015

4 Comments

 
Picture
An egalitarian marriage consists of mutual submission, and most egalitarians opt for less patriarchal weddings (vows of obedience are famously absent from the ceremony), but what about the engagement? A wedding is carefully planned, and both make decisions regarding the date and the place, so why does only the woman get an engagement ring, and why does the man surprise the woman with a proposal?

The element of surprise has it's origin in the diamond business. When large diamond deposits were found in South Africa, the fear of the loss of value became an acute threat. By introducing the diamond engagement ring in 1939, De Beers successfully created a large market for diamonds, securing their value. The same company realized also that women chose smaller diamonds than men, and so the man was cajoled into buying a ring in secret and surprising the woman with a proposal.

The tradition stuck, for we're still doing it.


In a survey created by Men's Health and the wedding website The Knot, most men feel that a surprise proposal is mandatory:

Don't think so? Well, Men's Health partnered with The Knot.com to ask almost 1,500 engaged or married men and women, and the results suggest guys like to go Old School on proposing. More than 80 percent of the guys thought they should ask permission from his intended's parents before proposing. And more than three-quarters of them said a guy should drop to a knee before popping The Question. (Read the article  here)

47 % of the women said the surprise factor was important and only 16 % chose the ring together.

But should a tradition created to inflate the value of a gem be our guide when deciding when and how to become engaged? As an egalitarian Christian I believe our ethics should decide, not the market.

So how can we create an egalitarian engagement?
By following the same principles we believe should guide our marriages we can begin our journey to becoming one in a way that affirms our egalitarian beliefs.

One of those principles is mutual decision making. 

In the traditional model, the woman is reduced to a passive receiver instead of being an active agent. She cannot decide when she will get engaged (other than nudging the man to propose), or what ring she will get (again, she can influence the decision, but not make it). This will set a precedence for the marriage, one in which the woman has no part in decision making. An egalitarian engagement should therefore secure the woman's agency by allowing the woman to decide with the man when and how the engagement will take place.

But what about the ring? Christian modesty (the real kind, not the fake one) requires that we live within our means. But an ostentatious display of wealth goes against the grain as well. Regardless of what kind of ring you decide to get, consider getting one for both. The man is, after all, getting engaged too.

When I recently got engaged to Jason Dye (of Left Cheek fame; visit the blog
here), we decided jointly that we wanted to get engaged. We chose the rings together (we both got one), we both asked the other "Will you be mine?" and gave a ring as a sign of our love, loyalty, and fidelity. It was as egalitarian as it was romantic.

There are as many ways to get engaged as there are couples; there is no right or wrong way. As long as you feel that your beliefs are accurately represented and that your wishes are respected, getting engaged is a thrilling experience, and one that can give you an opportunity to express your commitment to equality. 


4 Comments
TL link
3/19/2015 03:06:18 am

love this. I never got an engagement ring, and appreciated that because usually they poke out and catch on everything. I like flat designs. My now ex did a good job in the wedding ring because I told him what I liked. This made us both happy. It is only common sense that tells us to consider the desires of the one we love. :)

Reply
Susanna Krizo
3/20/2015 12:22:10 am

Thanks TL. I always wondered about this idea that the woman who wears the ring has no say in choosing it!

Reply
TEGA SWANN link
3/19/2015 07:11:54 am

I love this, Susanna!! When I first got married, my ex-husband surprised me with an engagement ring. However, since, I have often wondered "why only the woman," when as you say "both got engaged?" I have since told myself that if I were to marry again, we'd both wear engagement rings, regardless of who proposed.

I guess the idea of proposal has moved beyond just men alone proposing. Many women have started proposing also. I guess both would have to be truly egalitarian as you and Jason to actually talk over it and 'mutually' propose :-).

Reply
Susanna Krizo
3/20/2015 12:30:10 am

Hi Tega! Yes, Jason and I both believe in equality and that it is the way of life that creates a fulfilling and authentic human experience. We believe not only in mutual submission, but mutual respect as well, and because of it, we make decisions together. And yes, it requires a lot of talking and thinking, and sometimes it can get a bit messy, but in the end, it is the only way to guarantee that both feel equally respected and valued.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    April 2018
    February 2018
    October 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014

    Author

    As a feminist and social justice activist I seek to find ways to create a world in which artificial barriers between humans cease to exist.

    Subscribe to newsletter at:
    tinyletter.com/SusannaK

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
✕